this is over, isn't it?

i think it is.

i'm scared of being alone.

but this is it.

this is goodbye.

It doesn't matter how hard you hold on. You eventually lose the things most dear to you.
It doesn't matter how much you let go. You always feel your heart ache when you remember the things you've lost.

Sometimes I just need to leave town for a while to put my head back on my shoulders
And think like a human being again
And forget about you and the way you said
"I'm thinking of you, and how much I'm really beginning to like you"
And your face is slipping slowly from my mind
You're not there every day anymore
But you're there sometimes
And that runs me out of town
Again and again
I'm leaving again
Because you're in my head
Your eyes are there and they're staring at me
And I don't want to see them
Or remember that perfect blue
With the flecks of grey
And the straight teeth
And the full lips
And the crooked nose
And the blond curly hair
And the way you spoke
And the sound of your voice
And the way you picked me up
And spun me around your room
And the wooden floors
And the single bed that we crawled into that afternoon
And made love
And the dishes in the corner
And Fraiser on TV
And the way you touched my face
And the way my skin burned
And the way you looked at me
Like you'd never see me again.

You said goodbye at the train station that day
The last time you kissed me
The last time you told me you'd miss me.

Maybe you had the right idea, saying goodbye back then.
I'm still holding on.
I never said goodbye.
I said, "I'll see you soon."

It's not fair that people this young die.
I'm thinking of you and I can just imagine you in a place as bright and as beautiful as your eyes, smile, and personality.
We've sent up another friend to you; take care of him.
He's not the easiest to get along with but he treats the people he loves right.
I'm looking for someone to blame, but there isn't anyone at all.
I'm sorry.
There's not a day that passes without you running through my mind at least once.
I miss you.

We hang on until our fingertips bleed
To cracks in the pavement that you never see
We try too hard to be tied to each other
That nothing in the end ever seems to matter
We all let go eventually
No one holds on forever to anything real
Cause real is not real if it's just destroyed
In the end we have nothing but cheap plastic masks
And dirt under our nails
And sad tinny laughs
Our voices still echo (you still hear the hope)
But we're falling, still falling to the end of our rope
But that comes undone, just like our hearts
And the further we fall, the less we retain
Our memories trade places with the sky and the ground
Our voices are nothing but a crackling sound
We let go too slow because we are scared
But it just makes it harder when we're unprepared.

yoga works

This is absolutely incredible:

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=CNG.ce6e076d355a498ef621bad2bbef1a32.f1&show_article=1


Also, I start nights tomorrow in training because I go onto my line on Monday starting on nights. They're prepping us for our first shift. So nervous but kind of stoked to be able to sleep in tomorrow. It will be a good day.

the rest of my days

I'm finishing my Day 1, 2, 3 thing.

Day Twenty-Six: My week, in great detail.
-Today I had my first day of orientation at Toyota for my job. I will be in north assembly and I'm sure I will hate every moment of it. The money is nice, though.
-Yesterday was Mother's Day. My dad and I took my Mom and Oma to Valentino's for lunch, visited with Oma for a bit at the retirement home, and then went home. I fretted about moving back to Guelph but I finally did it around 9pm yesterday. Bedtime at 10:30, laid there til 2:30, woke up at 5.
-Saturday I went to see the Reason play with my wife Eleanor. I love that girl. I love the Reason. I love Jer Widerman. yes. Also, my parents found a 2000 Echo and bought it for me (mind you, I have to pay them back). I now own a car! I get it on Friday.
-Friday I bought work clothes, went to dinner with my mom at my Oma's retirement home, and then went to Guelph with Nat, picked Brooke up, went to Toronto, and partied there for Rach's birthday. It was fun. All my drinks were bought for me. Win.
-Thursday I stayed in and watched movies and read (I think).
-Wednesday I went into Toyota for medical and to sign my job contract.
-Tuesday night I drove to Guelph to see Brooke.
-I think it was Monday that I went to see Kelsey and Dean! So cute. And Kelsey made shells. I died and went to heaven. Love that girl.

Day Twenty-Seven: This month, in great detail.
This month, I went to the Dominican Republic with my family. We met some amazing people and some not-so-amazing people. Cute Brits. Spent lots of time with my family. I was happy and worried for starting my job. I worked my bum off finding a car and in the end it wasn't me who found it but my lovely parents. I partied with my brother, I partied in Toronto for the first time, and had all my drinks bought for me, and spent time with people who I'm not the closest with but at least it wasn't too bad. I got mad at a boy, I got stoked on a boy, I laughed a lot and I haven't cried in a very long time. I brought out my summer playlist and have been listening to Jack Johnson for the past two weeks straight. I got hit on by an middle aged man with a BluTooth earpiece in a Tim Hortons. I saw a black man wearing a white cowboy hat. I caught up on reading. I drove my brother's car. I got groceries and cleaned the house. I started working for Toyota and am anxiously awaiting my paycheck that doesn't come for another two weeks. I'm happy.

Day Twenty-Eight: This year, in great detail.
See day twenty-seven.
Add good friends, bad friends, roommate drama, lots of love, a little heartbreak, a lot of sleep, a lot of parties, a lot of drunken nights, and finding out who my real friends are. I love you.

Day Twenty-Nine: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days:
-Work well at Toyota, get a good reference, be able to go back next summer, and make a lot of money.
-Decide whether or not to keep my car.
-Be self-sufficient.
-Make honours again and qualify for a scholarship.
-Decide if I want to write a thesis or not.
-Laugh.
-Be happy.
-Be okay.
-Cry only when necessary.
-Hold onto my good friends.
-Shed the bad ones.
-Find a new place to live on my own or with someone I can stand to live with.
-Fall in love.
-Figure out what I want and go for it.
-Have hope.
-Get fit.
-Journey to England.
-Smile more.

Day Thirty: Fancy Tickler.
I've been in Guelph for one day and I already miss home.

home.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

I just got back from my trip the other day and it was brilliant. I met Brits who invited my brother and I over to England to visit them at the end of the summer (and were sincere about it). I made an American Marine jealous to the point of blackout drunken rage stumbles on the beach at five in the morning. I stayed up late, shut the club down every night, tried different food and drinks, got introduced to new films and programs, learned what the word "daft" means and how to use it in a sentence, swam in the ocean, laid in the sun, rolled in the sand, drank in the pool, laughed at large women in small bathing suits and large men in banana hammocks, and spent lots of time with my family, especially my brother.
It was beautiful, hot, and fun.
What more could I ask for? Maybe fore this tummy ache to go away, but in due time it will.

What sucks is coming home to you, and you act like you're not interested anymore. Maybe you're not. Or maybe you're just too busy. But it feels like you only want it when it's convenient for you. You don't want to get serious because maybe what you said about making out with other girls is true...maybe it did happen and maybe you don't care. If that's the case, somehow I'll let go. Don't you worry. I'll be just fine.

I start work May 10th now, apparently. I have my brother's car until the 14th. I start my summer course on the 13th. I'm going to be busy as fuck. Much too busy to think of you and worry if you're being faithful or not. So have fun. Live it up. You're 27 and you've only been in love once. Fall in love again, whether it's with me or not. I'm not holding my breath, and it feels just fine.

my day in great detail

Yesterday, I:
-Woke up
-Studied
-Ate toast
-Drank too much coffee
-Studied
-Missioned to school
-Wrote my last exam
-Freaked out because I was done
-Missioned home
-Packed
-Watched Bridget Jones's Diary
-Broke my Skullcandy headphones
-Dad picked me up
-Said goodbye to my roommates
-Came home
-Did laundry
-Ate dinner with my parents
-Packed my suitcase
-Went to buy new Skullcandy headphones
-Went to Shoppers
-Went to Metro
-Came home and Naired...
-...then showered (!)
-Finished packing
-Watched Erin Brockavich
-Got into bed
-Read
-Slept


The end.

day twenty-four: fancy tickler

Stolen from MC!

A

- Available: I'm not looking.
- Age: Twenty.
- Annoyance: Crazy bitches in the library, and having to study.
- Animal: Sloths are pretty cute!

B
- Birthday: January 29th.
- Body part on opposite sex: Forearms.
- Best weather: The awkward transition between summer and fall.
- Been on stage?: Yes.
- Believe in magic: Of course!
- Believe in God: Some sort of god, yes.
- Believe in Santa: Nah.

C
- Candy: Chocolate. Jujubes. Jellybeans.
- Color: Black. Purple. Grey. Bronze.
- Chinese/Mexican: Are we talking food here? Chinese.
- Cake or pie: BOTH.
- Cheese: I fucking love cheese but it hates me.

D
- Day or Night: Sunny days, warm nights.
- Dance in the rain?: With someone you love :)

E
- Eggs: I don't like eggs unless they're baked in something.
- Eyes: Light brown.
- Ever failed a class?: No.

F
- First crush: Andrew in like second grade, haha.
- First thoughts waking up: Where'd my shirt go?
- Food: Baked asparagus! TONIGHT DINNER!

G
- Greatest fear: Deep water/panicking.
- Goals: Make a shitload of money this summer. Make you fall in love with me.
- Gum: Excel.
- Get along with your parents: Yes sir.
- Good luck charm: I carry something around with me in my purse all the time.

H
- Hair color: Naturally, dirty blond. Currently, red.
- Height: Five feet, nine inches.
- Happy: I try to be!
- Holiday: Next one is FRIDAY!
- How do you want to die: Either quietly and safely, or I'll go out with a bang.

I
- Ice cream: I can't eat it anymore :( I really like Rolo though.
- Instrument: Piano and bass.

J
- Jewellery: Necklace.
- Job: Toyota!

K
- Kids: I want a little girl! Brighton :)
- Kickboxing or karate: Both.
- Keep a journal: This. And Tumblr.

L
- Love: Is beautiful and true.
- Laughed so hard you cried: That's the absolute best.

M
- Milk flavor: Don't drink it.
- Movie: Elizabethtown. Amelie. Feel good movies are the best.
- Mooned anyone: Yep.
- Marriage: One day :)
- Motion sickness: Rarely. Just roller coasters.

N
- Number of siblings: One.
- Number of piercings: Six.
- Number: Seven.

O
- Overused Phrases: I don't know, haha.
- One wish: I'd like an unlimited amount of money please.

P
- Place you’d like to live: Toronto, New York, Paris.
- Perfect Pizza: Tomatoes and broccoli and pineapple!
- Pepsi/Coke: Neither.

Q
- Questionnaires: Good for avoiding studying.

R
- Reason to cry: Hope and love.
- Reality T.V.: I don't watch TV.
- Radio station: 102.1 The Edge,
- Roll your tongue in a circle: Nope.
- Ring Size: Usually seven or eight I guess?

S
- Song: Stars.
- Shoe size: Nine.
- Salad dressing: Oil and vinegar or Italian.
- Sushi: Fuck yes!
- Skipped school: A couple times.
- Slept outside: Once?
- Shower daily?: Hahahahahaha no.
- Sing well?: No ahah.
- In the shower?: No! That's one of my greatest fears haha.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries. I don't like blueberries.

T
- Time for bed: Not for a while yet :(
- Thunderstorms: Love them.
- TV: Criminal Minds.
- Touch your tongue to your nose: I can if I press my nose down ahaha.

U
- Unpredictable: Fully. My mood swings are like woah.

V
- Vegetable you hate: Red peppers :( or rather, they hate me.
- Vacation spot: Somewhere warm, or Europe.

W
- Weakness: Love and chocolate.
- Wanted to be a model: Would be nice, but I don't have the face or body for it haha.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: None?
- Who makes you laugh the most: I'm not sure. A lot of people.
- Worst weather: Winter.

X
- X-rays: Teeth?

Y
- Year it is now: Twenty-ten.
- Yellow: Sunce.

Z
- Zoo animal: Red panda :)
- Zodiac sign: Aquarius.

day twenty-three: a youtube video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwFS69nA-1w

day twenty-two: a website

My Tumblr!

http://snowflakesandeyelashes.tumblr.com/

day twenty-one: a recipe

I LOVE to cook. I love love love it more than pretty much anything (other than traveling and art).
Here's a great recipe for a great cake!

http://omnomicon.blogspot.com/2009/01/how-to-make-rainbow-cake.html

It's sweet when people are not the greatest. If you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm.
But then you have wonderful people, like MC, who remind you why you're here and how strong you really are.
No matter what, my art tarts get me through.
When everyone else doesn't give a shit, you girls do.
That means more to me than anything in the world.

Today was a beautiful day. I skyped with Anto all the way from Europe! And I got the job at Toyota! And I went shopping with MC and bought a new shirt. And tonight we are going for drinks and gonna play Sex and the City to those other bitches.
So stoked.

Love my life <3

day twenty: a hobby of mine

Hm. I have a lot of hobbies I guess.
Reading.
Going to shows.
Collecting nostalgia.
Doing makeup.
Teasing hair.
Buying shoes.
Drinking Keiths.
Drinking Jacks.
Avoiding phone calls.
Sending texts.
Laughing.
Loving.
Having hobbies like this.

day nineteen: a talent of mine

I play piano. I've been playing since I was eight years old. I still have my first keyboard. For a very long time, books and my piano were my best friends.
I'm not very good because I don't practice anymore. I don't have a piano where I live now. But one day I would very much like to take it up again and spend time playing my heart out.

<3

day eighteen: fancy tickler

You leave today for six weeks.
You're afraid to fly, and you're clutching the beads I gave you (to keep you safe) right now.
I feel your hands on my heart.
It's a nice feeling for once.

People tell me I shouldn't wait for you.
People tell me I should wait for you.
People tell me to stop worrying.
People tell me to worry all the time because things happen so easily.

My heart tells me to trust that whatever happens, is meant to happen.

So, here's to trust.
Here's to distance.
Here's to the safety and vulnerability in falling completely.

I'll miss you.

once.

You said you loved me more than anyone else could ever know. But now you're leaving, can't wait to strive to work this out. And I've never been one to brag.
The nights get lonely, and all I have left is a memory of you. I tried to say this but now there's nothing left for me to do. And I've never been one to brag.
Please don't go. Just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away. Miss your voice, and your touch. And if I told you I loved you, could that be enough?
An awkward silence. It's been too long since I've heard from you. And I lay sleepless, knowing that my heart still belongs to you. And I've never been one to brag.
Please don't go. Just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away. Miss your voice, and your touch. And if I told you I loved you, could that be enough?
Please don't go. Just stay. I watched with tears in my eyes as you walked away. Miss your voice, and your touch. And if I told you I loved you, could that be enough?
And tonight, I'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know.

day seventeen: an art piece

Art is my life and it is impossible for me to have just one favourite piece.
This is one OF my favourites. It's beautiful. It's satirical. It opens up your eyes and makes you see.
It says, do not be blind to the world. Do not sleep and close your eyes to everything out there. If you do, the evil will creep up on you. And one day, you will not know where the time has gone, or where your morals have gone. You will be fully consumed because you have been so blind to the darkness consuming you.
Wake up. Wake up. Keep your morals. Be informed. Be smart.
Feel.

day sixteen: a song that makes me cry (or nearly)

A song that makes me cry (or nearly)...
Lately it is If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember.
Because "we knew it'd happen eventually."
But mostly because you're leaving, and I really don't want you to, and who knows if we're exclusive, and I have to talk to you about that, and I'm nervous that you're going to go away and meet someone so amazing that you'll just forget about me, and I'm sad that I'm going to miss you so fucking much.
This song encapsulates that completely.

Hey darling. I hope you're good tonight.
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving.
Yeah, I want it, but no, I don't need it.
Tell me something sweet to get me by.
'Cause I can't come back home til they're singin'
La, la la la, la la la.
Til everyone is singin'.
If you can wait til I get home,
Then I swear to you that we can make this last.
(La la la)
If you can wait til I get home,
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in the past.
It might be for the best.
Hey sweetie, I need you here tonight.
And I know that you don't wanna be leaving.
Yeah, you want it but I can't help it.
I just feel complete when you're by my side.
But I know you can't come home til they're singin'
La, la la la, la la la.
Til everyone is singin'.
La, la la la, la la la.
If you can wait til I get home,
Then I swear to you that we can make this last.
(La la la)
If you can wait til I get home,
Then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past.
It might for the best.
You know you can't give me what I need.
And even though you mean so much to me,
I can wait through everything.
(Is this really happening?)
I swear I'll never be happy again.
And don't you dare say we can just be friends.
I'm not some boy that you can sway.
We knew it'd happen eventually.
La, la la la, la la la.
Now everbody's singin'
La, la la la, la la la.
Now everybody's singin'
(If you can wait til I get home)
La, la la la, la la la.
Now everybody's singin'
(Then I swear we can make this last)
La, la la la, la la la
Now everybody's singin'.
If you can wait til I get home,
Then I swear we can make this last.

day fifteen: a fanfic

I don't know what a "fanfic" is.
So, I like banana chocolate chip muffins.

day fourteen: non-fictional book

Scar Tissue.
The autobiography of Anthony Kiedis.
Such a wonderful book. Such wonderful words. Such a wonderful man.

day thirteen: a fictional book

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Fight Club.
Chuck Palahniuk.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

day twelve: fancy tickler

The most classic, iconic shoes known to man.
Christian Louboutin.

day eleven: recent photo of me

Dis is me.

day ten: a ten-plus year old photo of me

I was two here. You've seen this before. It's a classic. It's my favourite picture ever. Ever. In the whole world.
<3

day nine: a photo i took

This is me, and my hair, and my ring.

day eight: sad/angry photo

This makes me sad and angry at the same time. How could you be so inconsiderate? It's not just your life you're taking a chance on, it's every single other person's lives out there on the streets. Pedestrians. Motorists. And think about their families. Think about if they died or got hurt and you didn't. What if you walked away without a scratch, and they were there on the side of the road dying? Would that be sobering enough for you?
I get so upset whenever I hear about ANYONE driving intoxicated. It's not just alcohol. It's drugs too. It's being tired. It's being CARELESS. Life is so precious, and although accidents happen, hitting someone with your car because you're impaired should not have to be an accident. It is something completely 100% avoidable, and yet people still continue to do it.
Please, please, please. If you're driving, don't drink. Don't do drugs. Don't drive when you're very tired. It's something you can avoid. Spend the extra money and spring for the bus or a cab. If an extra $20 means potentially saving a life, that $20 becomes priceless.

day seven: happy photo

A photo that makes me happy:



I love this.

day six: fancy ticklers

Nine Inch Nails, when I'm down and when someone has been "collected" far too soon.
Trent Reznor understands.

jessica

It's incredible, you know, this life thing.
One moment you have it. You have everything. You're at the top.
And one moment later, death wraps its inevitable hold around you and there is nothing.
A girl one of my friends dated for years and years, his soulmate, passed away two days ago.
The first time I went to a bar (underage, of course), I went with her.
The first time I went dancing (of age), she was there.
Both times I saw Nine Inch Nails, and when I saw Tool, she was there.
We talked about makeup, about life, about careers.
She just graduated from McMaster for nursing and has a lovely job in a hospital.
She has amazing friends and a family who loves her.
She has a soulmate, even though they are no longer together.
And now all of what I just said can be put in the past tense.
At twenty-three, how is it possible that a girl who has everything and who is just beginning her life could leave us?
It makes me angry.
Angry with God, if there is a God.
Angry that I don't know the reason for her passing.
What is it supposed to teach us?
That if you're a good person and you have all that you need in your life, you're just bound to lose it all?
That it just hurts everyone you leave behind when you're gone?
But we need to remember her for the girl she was...
Jessica, you were and are the ray of sunshine in so many people's darkness.
You always had a smile to share and a kind word to say.
You will be dearly missed.
I know you're smiling on us from somewhere.
Until we meet again, I descend from grace in arms of undertow. I will take my place in the great below...

day five: favourite quote

This was a hard one. There are so many things that strike me as beautiful, or melancholy, or perfect. Just things that have been said in a way no one's said it before. It says something that you've felt or thought in such a precise, perfect way that you can't help but love it.
These are my favourites:

"We accept the love we think we deserve." - Perks

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all of that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." - Kate Winslet as Iris in the Holiday

"We are intrepid. We carry on." -Kirstin Dunst as Claire Colburn in Elizabethtown

"These are hard times for dreamers." - Porn seller in Amelie

"Voici mon secret. Il est tres simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."
Translation: "Here is my secret. It is very simple: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." - The Little Prince

So it's totally sweet when someone you've been friends with for fifteen years refuses to go out with your group of friends who have not been completely reunited in two years because they're on "exam lockdown", but they can still find time to get completely 100% smashed at school on St. Patrick's Day, AND go out with all of their other friends. You don't really care if we come out with you; you're generally indifferent to us. But we'd love for you to come out with us, and you just don't care to.
I haven't seen you in months and yet you don't even care. That's great. Thanks so much.
I tell you when I'm home and you always make excuses. Just tell me you don't want to hang out with me. That's fine. I'd rather be told to go fuck myself than deal with your pseudo-sensitive "I'm so sorry" bullshit.
Grow up, tell us that you don't want to come instead of making excuses, and we'll be great.
You wonder why we don't try to hang out with you anymore?
Now you know.
Fuck it.

day four: favourite book

The Perks of Being A Wallflower
This book contains some of the greatest quotes I have ever had the privilege of reading.



"We accept the love we think we deserve."

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

day three: favourite tv show

Criminal Minds.

Notably because of this man:

Hotchner: This is Dr. Reid.
Man: Doctor? You seem to young to have gotten into Medical school...
Reid: There are PhD's. Three of them.
Man: Are you a genius or something?
Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory, and can read 20,000 words per minute.
(Man gives him a weird look.)
Reid: Yes, I'm a genius.

day two: favourite song

Jack's Mannequin - Swim

You gotta swim. Swim for your life.
Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive.
You gotta swim, and swim when it hurts.
The whole world is watching. You haven't come this far to fall off the earth.
The currents will pull you away from your love.
Just keep your head above.
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn.
Memories like bullets, they fire at me from a gun, cracking the armour, yeah.
I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun.
Choking on salt water, I'm not giving in.
I swim.
You gotta swim through that nights that won't end.
Swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters and brothers and friends.
You gotta swim through wars without cause.
Swim for the lost politicians who don't see their greed as a flaw.
The currents will pull us away from our love.
Just keep our heads above.
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the day.
Memories like bullets, they fire at me from a gun, cracking the armour, yeah.
I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun.
Choking on salt water, I'm not giving in.
Cause I swim.
You gotta swim.
Swim in the dark.
There's no shame in drifting, feel the tides shifting and wait for the spark.
You gotta swim.
Don't let yourself sink.
Just find the horizon, I promise you it's not as far as you think.
The currents will pull us away from our love...
Just keep your head above.
Just keep your head above, swim.
Just keep your head above, swim.
Yeah, swim.
Yeah, swim.

day one: favourite movie

Le fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain

Les temps sont durs pour les reveurs.

Starting Today

Day 01 — Your favourite movie
Day 02 — Your favourite song
Day 03 — Your favourite television programme
Day 04 — Your favourite book
Day 05 — Your favourite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

what gives me hope #3

"I think I've been asleep most of my life."

Watching movies that make me feel not so alone and not so lost.
Elizabethtown gives me hope.

what gives me hope #2

The sunshine.
Or sunce.

what gives me hope #1

While a 14 year old girl’s father laid dying of lung cancer in the hospital, he told his wife to buy a coffee table and end table for his daughter’s room. He was supposed to build them himself because he built her entire room, but he was too sick. His dying wish was for his daughter’s room to be finished.

That 14 year old girl was my mother.

The love between a man I never met and his daughter who has shaped my life so much gives me hope.

spring

Your house was my spring house, with your garden and overgrown backyard, and your small plants in your kitchen. You always gave me one to look after when I lived with you. Little pink flowers, little purple flowers.
And I remember the sun coming into your kitchen when I woke up in the mornings, and how I sat at the table and the slat blinds would create the straightest shadows I've ever seen. We were bathed in that warm yellow light and it felt safe. I can remember the smell of the coffee you'd brewed minutes before I walked into the kitchen and how you sat at the table while I took sips out of your coffee cup and ate Corn Flakes.
You sat there, I sat beside you.
And I remember, you'd send me out to pick raspberries behind the garage in your backyard. You'd give me that big white plastic bowl and say, "Fill it up, liebe." And I would fill it with big raspberries, careful not to squish them. Then I'd bring them back, and you'd wash them, and we'd sit and eat them at the table, or if it was nice, on the back porch.

There are tulips in your garden. They're starting to grow now. They are going to be beautiful when they open.
I wish I could take you back to see them, because I know you'd like that.

There are tulips in your garden, Oma.
I wish you were here to see them.

It's crazy to think of all the times, when I was younger, that I hoped I would just die. To end it all, to make it stop hurting. To not take the pills anymore that made me feel crazy and no less sad than I was to begin with. To not be a burden and bring those around me down.
I was so lost and so confused and so sad that I let the feelings take over. In my mind, there was no other way out.
And although I know I will be on these pills for life, I've come to terms with it. If one little pill helps me be this happier person now, I am willing to take it every day for the rest of my life.
Because I understand now. That sad girl who wished she would die is not me. That girl who spent days in bed panicking over going to school, over hanging out with friends, over being afraid, is not me.
I understand that I am a happy person. I smile when the sun shines into my room in the morning, when I'm with friends and family, and I laugh when something is funny. For once, I feel alive, which was what I should have been wishing for the whole time I was wishing for death. I should have been hoping to feel alive.
I am alive. So why should I waste my time wishing for death?
I have so much more to offer this world.
I'm who I am; pills included.

Ready for the most random questions known to quiz history?
Yeah, whatever. Bitch.

Last person you showered naked with?
Myself. Other than that, Jer.

Your best friend has sex with your ex, what happens?
I'd probably slap her and tell her to wake the fuck up, haha.

What happened last time you got drunk?
The last time I was legitimately drunk, I threw up and passed out. Simultaneously.

Have you taken off someone’s pants recently?
My own?

Do you bite your toe nails?
No?

If someone said to you “nice ass” you say?
Thanks, I grew it myself.

Your friend kisses the boy/girl you like, what do you do?
I'd be pretty fucking pissed off at both of them.

Last thing you said out loud?
"Oh my god."

Last time you laughed your head off?
Today :)

What do you want right this second?
A cutie in my arms, and for my tummy to stop hurting.

How are you sitting?
On a chair with my legs up.

Can I have your number?
Can I have it? Can I? Can I have it? Can I have yo numbah?

Your mood?
Slightly annoyed, hah.

Do certain alcohols make you have different emotions and what?
Nope. I'm a happy drunk.

If you could change one thing this year about your life would you?
I'd really like some more money, please. And to not be sick anymore.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight?
No, probably not.

Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
My mom probably.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yep.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
Yes.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Yes I do.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?
Nope, just as long as they don't get carried away with it.

Do you find piercings attractive?
Yesss yes yes.

What were you doing last night at midnight?
Sleeping.

Waiting for something?
Sunday or Monday would be nice.

Was yesterday terrible?
No! It was beautiful! I was out in shorts (with tights) and a teeshirt :)

First middle and last name please?
Sara Catharine. That's all you're getting. hah.

Whats your favorite number?
Seven.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
I want my tattoo so badly.

Who is your last received call from?
My brother I think.

Do you think the last person you kissed cares for you?
I sure hope so.

How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
None.

Do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong?
Nope.

Have you ever kissed underneath the stars?
Yes.

Do you like potato chips?
Just plain and salt and vinegar. That's all.

Do you give out second chances way to easily?
Yep.

Ever stayed up all night on the phone?
Nope. I hate the phone. And I like my sleep too much.

What were you doing at 10:00 this morning?
Starting class.

What did you do last night?
Tried to go downtown, then turned away and came home, then ate perogies, and then went to bed.

Explain why you last threw up?
It was Monday and I had 24 hour flu :(

What cell phone company do you use?
Rogers.

Have you text voted for an American Idol?
I've never watched it.

Hot tea or Iced tea?
Iced.

What was the weather like today?
Beautiful! :)

Where did your last hug take place?
In Mack with Rebecca.

What are you excited for?
School to be over, and to work.

Last person you spoke to?
With my roommates right now.

Are you ticklish?
Yeahhh.

Are your ears pierced?
Five times.

Do you chew on your straws?
Sometimes. It depends.

Do you have curly hair?
Nope.

Where did you go today?
Campus.

What 1 item do you always pick up at the grocery store?
Err.. tomatoes :)

What is something you say a lot?
Who knows, haha.

Do you think you are pretty?
Lawlz no.

What are you doing tonight?
Sleeping, haha.

What was your last missed call?
I don't know, I don't have call display.

Do you have a nickname?
Not really.

What are you listening to?
Whining, haha.

Is there anyone you like right now?
I like a lot of people!

Did you cry today?
No, but I'm PMSing so I probably will later when I realize that I'm lonely. Hahhh. Fail.

How big is your bed?
Double at school. Queen at home.

Do you know someone with the same birthday as you?
Oprah, fuck yeah!

Do you have a globe in your house?
Nope.

Number of pillows you sleep with?
Four.

What type of watch do you wear?
My phone.

Can you play pool?
Yes!

Craziest place you have slept?
Bathtub/floor of my bathroom.

Would you ever lie to get an ex back?
No. If they're not in my life right now, they're not meant to be.

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

Do you still love your ex?
Nope. None of them. There are absolutely no feelings, shitty or otherwise.

Ever kissed your friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend?
No.

If given a chance, would you like to have your ex back?
Nope.

Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it?
No hahaha. If anyone got a tattoo with my name on it, other than family, I would probably just shoot them for being so fucking stupid.

What last made you laugh?
Philip!

What were you doing last night around 3 am?
Sleeping. for once.

If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be?
Anto :)

Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes.

What was the last thing you drank?
Water.

Do you think there are circumstances when it’s okay to wait for someone?
Waiting around never amounts to anything. Unless they're on tour with their band and they're coming home to you in a month. Then it's okay.

Is there anyone in the room with you?
Yep, Phil.

Are you wearing anything on your feet?
Sockies!

What’s your last scar from?
Uhh... a cut on the back of my leg.

Can you count on anyone to be there for you, always?
My mama.

Do you ever miss your past?
No. I mean, I miss aspects of it. But why dwell on it? There's no point. It's now; it's here. Live it.

Is it possible to be single and happy?
I'm really happy when I'm single, actually! I have way more me-time, and friend-time, and family-time. I love it.

Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.

Will you sleep alone tonight?
I will sleep with my teddy bear. and probably some books. However, books do not make very good cuddle buddies.

Do you think being “heart broken” is as bad as people say?
It depends on how bad the break is.

Do you prefer ily, or i love you?
I love you.

Who’s car were you in last?
A taxi.

Would you rather date someone older than you or younger?
Older. I'd feel like a pedophile if they were younger. I'm pretty young myself.

Are you aiming at anyone while doing this?
Aiming? Like aiming a gun? Or do you mean "this is pointedly toward _____"? No to both.

Will you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend in 6 months?
Oh, who knows.

Have you ever been so embarrassed that you cried?
When I was little, yeah.

Do you live near your friends?
YUP. And with some of them :)

Let’s test your memory shall we?
Sure.

You’re single right?
Yes.

How long was your last phone conversation you had?
Five minutes, just on my walk home so I didn't get jumped.

Who was it with?
Anto.

Excited for anything?
Summer and working.

You had sex last night, didn’t you?
Haha, I wish.

What’s one thing you like about winter?
When the snow falls really lightly at night under the street lights. And sitting by the fire. And curling up with a good book on the couch on snow days.

Do you have drama in your life?
Not too much, thankfully.

Do you find smoking unattractive?
Unfortunately I find it very, very appealing.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
My subconscious is, hahaha. But I'm getting better.

Can you crack your back?
Yes.

Is there anyone you wouldn’t mind punching in the face now?
Nah.

Anything happen to you in the past month that made you really mad?
Being sick. And my friend possibly being jilted for the millionth time when she's actually the sweetest girl ever.

Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house?
All the time when I'm in Guelph?

If you got kicked out of your house, where would you go?
Guelph house.

Are you hard to please?
No. Give me some chocolate or a hug and I'll be pretty fucking content.

The person you fell hardest for texts you at 4 am saying “come outside” you say?
I'd probably sleep through it and then wake up at 11 am to it... then I would look out my window and if they were still there I'd go out and ask what they wanted.

Do you forgive easily?
Depends.

Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?
Yep.

Last time you were in a car, who were you with, where were you going?
A taxi with Michelle and the driver, going home.

Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?
Hopefully early next week :)

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
Sunshineeyyyyyy.

What have you done today?
I got up at 8:30, got ready for school, went to school, sat through class, sat outside with the roommates at school, came home, did dishes, hanging out with Phil now!

Is there anyone that can always make you laugh?
Yep.

How many people can you trust with just about everything?
Not many, but those who I can are the best.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
No! For once! but I did wake up at 7 am this morning.

Where’s the person you want to see most right now?
Finishing work back in my home city.

Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?
No.

Is there a person you CANNOT stand?
Ugh yes.

Who have you text today?
Rebecca, Anto, Michelle, Brendan.

Do you say the F word a lot?
Unfortunately yes.

Would you hug the last person you hugged again?
Yep.

Is any part of your body sore?
My tummy :(

What color do you want to dye your hair?
RED. More red than it is now. I wanna be Ariel.

How many states have you lived in?
I'm not American, but I've only lived in one province.

It's amazing how much I have stopped holding on and begun falling for someone else.
It feels good, but I'm starting my old bad habits again. I'm overthinking and it's making it hard.
I just want to let go, and hold on at the same time.
How difficult is it to find that kind of balance?

Please, just let him like me as much as I'm beginning to like him.

absence

The space between my bed and my wall should be filled with you playing your guitar.
And I'm more than aware (and just a little bit scared)
That you're leaving soon, but I don't know where to.

Do you lay awake thinking of me while the clock ticks its measurable sound?
And I'm promising you that your heart will be safe
If I hold onto it while you're gone.

These spaces between my fingers are meant for yours, so hold on tight.
And I'm completely willing to say "I will"
But don't let go.
Don't let go

refresh

I am spending the evening with iTunes on shuffle, with old songs that play, with things that remind me of being fifteen and able to let go of everything and love with reckless abandon.




(It's scary, and it's beautiful, and I think I'm learning to let go and love again.)

what doesn't kill you makes you grow

Another night alone on a dark road somewhere far away from my home.
The summer's on my mind, but it's far behind.
Face in a sink reflects these caffeinated insides.
It's life scenarios you think of while you're alone and on my own.
Like if my parents paid for everything I own, I could be somewhere in a classroom taking notes of things I already know, or think I do.
What doesn't kill you makes you grow.
This nine-to-five turns into twenty-four hours.
It seems that sweet escape from this cold, dark prison is a dream.
My priorities forgotten, stuck in a cycle on your knees.
Deliver with spite to my friends, my enemies.
Some days I stay and lie awake in bed just to breathe my quickened heartbeat.
I hear noises overhead, this face isn't strong enough to sleep.
I have a dream that I can't sleep on my own.
These days my pale reflection can't pretend that this is all I have to offer.
I hear noises overhead, this throat isn't strong enough to scream, or so it seems, cause now I scream on my own.
This cup of coffee burning my insides and sip after sip, I grow, and come to realize that this is moving on.

honesty

I started re-reading the Marilyn Manson autobiography. I forgot how screwed up his childhood was. I absolutely love the way he wrote the book, how raw it is and how emotional he gets. The honesty he portrays is admirable, shocking and beautiful. He never denies his drug use, his sexual encounters, or his family secrets. He displays his life -- his entire life -- to all readers who are curious.
Honesty is almost like a big "fuck you" to the world.
I like it very much.

We cross the roads like ghosts with no where to go.

angels

"I think being there for the toughest moments is the most important. You were the only one to care enough to be there for her for the inevitable step. You didn't take her, you cared for her."

That was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. Thank you.

JC, Michelle, Kelsey, and Anto:
Thank you for helping me through the hardest few days of my life. Thank you for keeping my spirits high, for talking to me, for being here. Thank you for saying the right things at the right time. Thank you for taking me out to stop thinking about it for a night. Thank you for telling me about cheesecake being on sale at the grocery store. Thank you for making me watch Will Farrell videos and keeping me laughing.
You are my angels.

lights and buzz

I'm coming home from my hardest year. I'm making plans not to make plans while I'm here.

And time, time, it stops for no one. The seasons come and go, and that's just time. Yeah, time, it stops for no one. The seasons keep on going whether or not we're blind.

light

"Light is the measure of everything. It is absolute, mathematical, physical, eternal. There is an absolute speed to it, you can't outrun it; that's what the theory of relativity is about. Stand here and remember what you can. What you remember is in light, the rest is in darkness, isn't it? The past fades to dark, and the future is unknown, just stars."

one week of danger

We're best friends. We hold hands. We're in love. You're my man.

Darling no. That's not me. I'm a ghost in the sheets.

Well is there something that you like about her? Yes. I like the way her body bends in half. And is there something that you love about her? No. There ain't no woman in the world I won't let go.

Come on baby, we can belong. Please don't you spoil it. Don't state what's wrong. Let's get together, and get it on. Let's get those clothes off before I'm gone. You talk about me like you own me baby, that's not fair. I told you I had somebody else, you did not care. And now you're talking on the phone, you're telling all of your friends, "We love each other."

Well is there something that you wanted from her? Yes. I want her legs, her body, and her cash. And is there something that you needed from her? No. And if she's playing hard to get I'm out the door.

Come on baby, don't say it's true. Please say you love me, like I love you.

Come on baby, we can belong. Please don't you spoil it. Don't state what's wrong. Let's get together, and get it on. Let's get those clothes off before I'm gone. You talk about me like you own me baby, that's not fair. I told you I had somebody else, you did not care. And now you're talking on the phone, you're telling all of your friends, "We love each other. We love each other. We love each other."

dealing with adult matters

If you haven't figured it out yet, this is something I'm legitimately upset about.
I'm good at keeping my emotions in check and smiling every day even when I feel like the world is falling down around me.
I wish you would ask me how I actually feel about it, because as a best friend, you should be able to tell when you need to ask how I am.
I've been trying very hard to keep my chin up, keep my laughs loud, and keep my spirits high.
But courage is something I need now, and I'm afraid that I don't have enough of it in myself.
I need to borrow yours; I need to borrow your ears and your heart as well.
What you don't know or see or feel is that late at night I cry about it.
Not only just about the situation, but because I feel like I can't turn to you because maybe you don't care anymore.
I understand that we're young, but I also know you're empathetic.
So even though you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through, you can still be here for me.
I wish you could see how much this has consumed my life, and how hard it is.
And my other best friend, my mother, is not someone I can turn to right now.
The one time I really need you, I can't find you anywhere.

The one thing I wish for absolutely every single day is that she was like she used to be, and that my mother and I wouldn't have to go through this in the first place.
I miss her every day.
The worst part is, she's not even gone yet.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of how she used to be.
It makes me question whether or not we are doing the right thing.
And then she turns into the person I don't recognize again.
One with the same face, hands, smile and eyes, but one with an alien personality.
I never saw her be angry, frustrated, cry, shake, refuse, be mannerless, until this disease stole everything from her.
I've been holding this in for so long and I've been trying so hard to be strong for mom and for her.
But I know the second we leave her, the second she's there, the way she acts is going to break my heart.
And once that is done, I won't know what to do.
My worst fear is that once she's there, she's going to lose everything she has left.
There won't be those infrequent (but beautiful) glimpses of how she used to be.
And what will remain is the shell of a person I used to know.

Best friend, I need you more than ever.
Please don't give up on me right now.

waking up

All I ever seem to do is drink a lot of coffee.
Lately I've been getting up really early.
It feels good to have a routine again.
And when the sun comes up, I don't find myself turning away.
I find myself turning toward the day.
Toward light.
Toward life.
I'm finally choosing life.
It's beginning to feel real.

Don't let me down.

I'll need all the strength I can get this weekend.

dirty kids, man thongs, and ballsacks

So I'm sitting in my night class, being absolutely pissed off, fingers flying over the keyboard, trying very hard to diligently follow along with my professor who is speaking in tongues at 125 kilometers an hour. I glance over at a man, fully grown, probably close to thirty years old, stand up to see the bottom of an image being projected at the front of the classroom, and what do I see? This guy, this close-to-thirty-year-old guy, wearing a speedo-type thong. I am not kidding.
A few minutes later, the door to the classroom opens and a guy who has sat in front of me two weeks in a row, with a gigantic head that I cannot see around for the life of me unless I stand up, sits in front of me again. But before he sits down, what do I see? A giant rip in the crotch of his shitty pants, and his ballsack through his boxers. I am not kidding.
I'm sorry, but don't people look at themselves before they leave the house? Don't they even consider the fact that, yes, I can see your thong, and yes, I can see your ballsack through that giant hole in the crotch of your twelve year old jeans.
I've come to the conclusion that art students are the worst for this. Never do I see "normal" kids, or science students dressing like this. At least they have the decency to hide their man thongs if they are wearing one and not wear jeans with holes bigger than my head in them. There are always those "alternative art kids" in my art history classes and studio classes who never shower, have not yet discovered deodorant, and still have mushroom cuts or shaved heads with hair just left on the top (like the guy whose ballsack I just saw). They wear terrible old muddy running shoes, corduroy pants, and graphic tees they think are great but would more likely be cool to a thirteen year old.
One: Grow up.
Two: Visit the thrift store and get a new pair of jeans.
Three: If you are going to wear a man thong, wear pants that cover it.
Four: Deodorant, or even Axe. Either smells much better than B.O..
Five: Get a new fucking haircut. Yours is stupid.


Fuck. This post doesn't even deserve a picture to go along with it.
By the way, I'm STILL in this class.
Kill me.

canada

NOW THEY KNOW
WHO'S GAME
THEY'RE PLAYING.

versace

Donatella Versace.
I fucking love this bitch and her collagen.

Apparently she is going to team up with GaGa.
Go blond, or go home.

there's no "i" in team.

Well, I can't regret, can't you just forget it? I started something I couldn't finish.
And if we go down, we go down together.
Best friends means, well, best friends means.
And I've got a twenty-dollar bill that says you're up late starting fist fights versus fences in your backyard.
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honour, soaking in sympathy, from friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me.

Broken down in bars and bathrooms.
All I did was what I had to.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's just what anyone would do.
Take the time to talk about it.
Think a lot and live without it.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's something unforgivable.

Well, I can't regret, can't you just forget it? I started something I couldn't finish.
If we go down, we go down together.
Best friends means, well, best friends means.
You never knew, well I never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts I learned from you, it's true.
I've never done it with the style and grace you have.
But I've made long-term plans, based on these mistakes.

Broken down in bars and bathrooms.
All I did was what I had to.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's just what anyone would do.
Take the time to talk about it.
Think a lot and live without it.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's something unforgivable.

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
There's nothing worse.
(That's right, he said, that's right he said it.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.)
I swear, you have no idea.
(I hope there's ice on all the roads.)
The jealousy that became me thinking
(And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt.
That's right, he said.
And again when your head goes through the windshield.)
That you always had it way too easy.

Best friends I pulled the trigger.
Best friends means you get what you deserve.

thankful

What I am thankful for (just to remind me, because I need it):
My family - for staying together, for being beautiful.
My friends - for being there for me, and for putting up with me.
Music - for Andrew McMahon, AFI, and Brand New.
Art - for making the world beautiful, for teaching lessons, and for being my passion.
School - for being lucky enough to attend it and gain an education.
Two homes - for both being my "safe place".
Opportunity - for living in a country that allows all the opportunity in the world.
Makeup - for making me feel beautiful even when my skin sucks.
My bed - for cuddles, for keeping me warm, and for lulling me to sleep when I think I need it most.

And last but not least...
Love - for loving, for being loved, for the opportunity and capability to love, for that "special someone", for friends, for family, for swimming for brighter days, for music, for art, for the beautiful and for the ugly, for understanding, for accepting, for truth, for you......and just...love.

Who is your heart beating for?

hello

You told me that you were ready to jump in.
I'm sorry I screwed that up, and for something so stupid.
I hope one day you'll be ready to jump in again.

Hilarity.

Apparently when drunk, I can translate Brazilian Portuguese to English.

This was you and I.

building homes

I can't wait to live on my own. To have my own apartment in a big city where I can get lost and be alone but not be lonely at the same time. That's all I can think of right now. Just saving money, getting a small, cosy apartment with a cute kitchen, just big enough for me, and living by myself. I'm done with sharing, I'm done with coming home every weekend and having to do chores here, then going back to school and having to clean everything there because no one else does. I'm done with sharing a bathroom and being woken up at six in the morning by the shower and hair dryer.
I want my own space. My own apartment that I can put as much or as little money into as I want and make it home.
I want a home of my own.

little people

It makes me sad to drive around my old neighbourhood late at night listening to Barcelona and wondering why everything changed so much.
It makes me sad to realize that I really don't have a best friend anymore.
That she'd rather not spend time with me, that maybe all the failed attempts at trying to talk to her weren't just because of "miscommunication" but because she really doesn't care anymore to try to understand.
It would be so much easier if scraped knees and coming home for dinner on time were all we had to worry about, because being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.
The thing that makes me most happy is knowing I have someone, even if he is far away most of the time, who is there for me.
Thank you for the chats, and thank you for the coffee.

valentine's day

It's Valentine's Day. I can't say I had a bad day. I went to Toronto with my brother, bought $50 worth of makeup (Benefit BadGal mascara, MakeUpForEver eyeliner) and a new American Apparel hoodie. Then the brother and I went to town for dinner and the waiter gave me a flower. Then I napped and watched Zombieland. A pretty alright day, don't you think? I even had a Valentine (Anto)...even though he wasn't around to celebrate it.
The bad part? Walking the streets of Toronto, hoping to God that I wouldn't run into you. Once again, as always, I stared down your street as we passed by from the highway. I can see your house from there, you know? That sounds creepy. But I mean it. I can't not look because I just miss you so much.
Part of me was hoping I'd see you, but once I started thinking about it, I decided it was better not to see you at all. What if I saw you with another girl? What if I saw you by yourself and then I wondered if you were going to meet someone? I saw the Starbucks we always met at. I walked that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk by myself in downtown Toronto just so I could see you and pay for your coffee.
Is it terrible that I wish I could have done that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk a few hundred more times? I wouldn't have cared about getting to the train station, the $18 train ticket and hour train ride, the ten minute walk to streetcar stop, and the thirty minute ride to your house a few more times. I wouldn't mind wasting a total of four hours a day and copious amounts of money on travel just to see you, just to spend time with you, just to lay in your arms and kiss you and laugh with you. What would I give for you to pick me up and carry me around your room again? What would I give for you to dress me up in your old clothes and take me to the store like that to buy cigarettes? What would I give for you to look at my face like you would never, ever see it again. I'd give everything. I would give up everything.
And it makes me angry that I'm so strung along by you and by this. It makes me angry that I can't let you go and that I can't go a single day without thinking of you. The second I smell Bellmonts, the second I see the colour blue (your eyes, and what you look best in), the second I see skinny jeans (Cheap Mondays), beanies (black), jean jackets (layers), dress shoes (that you got from your dad after he passed away), and Nikon cameras, I just about fall apart at the thought of you.
I feel like you're suffocating me.
The worst thing is, I don't want that feeling to stop.
What I really want is for you to come back into my life, to be in love with me as much as I'm in love with you, to get your life together, to graduate and move in with you, to have my family and friends like and accept you and have the same from your family and friends. You were the first person I could see myself spending my life with, and unfortunately, you're the only person I could see myself spending my life with. I'm so afraid for you to know that but so much of me just wants to tell you.
It's not that I can't live without you. It's not that I can't go on and be happy and live my life. Because that's what I've been doing for a full year. It's just......I don't want to have to go on without you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

making songs personal

Momma, you're a brave girl, and I know it's only just started.
But I'm gonna be there at six with some flowers on sticks that were clipped just to make the weak strong.
And Momma, it's a strange world and girls can get so broken hearted.
But if it were me and the universe, I'd get the worst of this gong.

And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But Momma, don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.
We're really not there.

Momma, you're a brave girl.
Courage is something I'll need now.
Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away, but we all fade sometimes.
I believe that Momma it's a strange world as I watch our tables get turned round.
But you've got the strength that I've lost.
Who'd of thought you'd be carrying me?

And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But Momma, don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.

It's not the end of the world.
It's not the end of the world.
It's not the end of the world, cause the cops wouldn't break up this party.


And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But lately, I don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.
I said we're really not here, and really not there.
We're really not there.

Momma, you're a brave girl, and I know it's only just started...

there, there mom

Dear Mom,
I know what you are dealing with. I see it, I hear it. I feel it. I feel everything you feel because you are not only my mother, you are also my best friend. You have always been a brave girl. You have always been a strong girl. Right now, I know you're falling apart. But I need to you to know that the world is a beautiful place. You will see it once the fog clears. And when you can't hang on anymore, when you can't keep it together, I will be there holding on for you. I will be your strength when yours runs out. I will be your love, your compassion, your raft. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but Mom, one of the things you told me is that life isn't easy. You just have to keep pushing through. You have to keep swimming. One day, you are going to look up from your feet and realize that the sun is there to light up your life.
This is us. This is going to be okay one day. Just don't lose sight of what matters the most. Don't forget you are doing the right thing. And never forget that I am here for you. Never forget that I love you. You just need to keep your head above. Swim.
Love always, all ways,
Me

mcqueen, and a song that is stuck in my head

RIP Mister Alexander McQueen. You, your creations, and your inspirations will be greatly missed all over the world.

In other news, reading week starts today for me, as I have no class tomorrow.
Also, this song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of days.

The Weepies - Nobody Knows Me At All

When I was a child, everybody smiled. Nobody knows me at all.
Very late at night, and in the morning light. Nobody knows me at all.
Now I've got lots of friends, yes, but then again, nobody knows me at all.
Kids and a wife, it's a beautiful life. Nobody knows me at all.
And oh, when the lights are low.
Oh, with someone I don't know, oh.
I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam. Nobody knows me at all.
Ah, what can you do? There's nobody like you. Nobody knows me at all.
I know how you feel, no secrets to reveal. Nobody knows me at all.
Very late at night, and in the morning light. Nobody know me at all.
Nobody knows me, nobody knows me. Nobody knows me at all.