valentine's day

It's Valentine's Day. I can't say I had a bad day. I went to Toronto with my brother, bought $50 worth of makeup (Benefit BadGal mascara, MakeUpForEver eyeliner) and a new American Apparel hoodie. Then the brother and I went to town for dinner and the waiter gave me a flower. Then I napped and watched Zombieland. A pretty alright day, don't you think? I even had a Valentine (Anto)...even though he wasn't around to celebrate it.
The bad part? Walking the streets of Toronto, hoping to God that I wouldn't run into you. Once again, as always, I stared down your street as we passed by from the highway. I can see your house from there, you know? That sounds creepy. But I mean it. I can't not look because I just miss you so much.
Part of me was hoping I'd see you, but once I started thinking about it, I decided it was better not to see you at all. What if I saw you with another girl? What if I saw you by yourself and then I wondered if you were going to meet someone? I saw the Starbucks we always met at. I walked that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk by myself in downtown Toronto just so I could see you and pay for your coffee.
Is it terrible that I wish I could have done that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk a few hundred more times? I wouldn't have cared about getting to the train station, the $18 train ticket and hour train ride, the ten minute walk to streetcar stop, and the thirty minute ride to your house a few more times. I wouldn't mind wasting a total of four hours a day and copious amounts of money on travel just to see you, just to spend time with you, just to lay in your arms and kiss you and laugh with you. What would I give for you to pick me up and carry me around your room again? What would I give for you to dress me up in your old clothes and take me to the store like that to buy cigarettes? What would I give for you to look at my face like you would never, ever see it again. I'd give everything. I would give up everything.
And it makes me angry that I'm so strung along by you and by this. It makes me angry that I can't let you go and that I can't go a single day without thinking of you. The second I smell Bellmonts, the second I see the colour blue (your eyes, and what you look best in), the second I see skinny jeans (Cheap Mondays), beanies (black), jean jackets (layers), dress shoes (that you got from your dad after he passed away), and Nikon cameras, I just about fall apart at the thought of you.
I feel like you're suffocating me.
The worst thing is, I don't want that feeling to stop.
What I really want is for you to come back into my life, to be in love with me as much as I'm in love with you, to get your life together, to graduate and move in with you, to have my family and friends like and accept you and have the same from your family and friends. You were the first person I could see myself spending my life with, and unfortunately, you're the only person I could see myself spending my life with. I'm so afraid for you to know that but so much of me just wants to tell you.
It's not that I can't live without you. It's not that I can't go on and be happy and live my life. Because that's what I've been doing for a full year. It's just......I don't want to have to go on without you.

Happy Valentine's Day.