dealing with adult matters

If you haven't figured it out yet, this is something I'm legitimately upset about.
I'm good at keeping my emotions in check and smiling every day even when I feel like the world is falling down around me.
I wish you would ask me how I actually feel about it, because as a best friend, you should be able to tell when you need to ask how I am.
I've been trying very hard to keep my chin up, keep my laughs loud, and keep my spirits high.
But courage is something I need now, and I'm afraid that I don't have enough of it in myself.
I need to borrow yours; I need to borrow your ears and your heart as well.
What you don't know or see or feel is that late at night I cry about it.
Not only just about the situation, but because I feel like I can't turn to you because maybe you don't care anymore.
I understand that we're young, but I also know you're empathetic.
So even though you have absolutely no idea what I'm going through, you can still be here for me.
I wish you could see how much this has consumed my life, and how hard it is.
And my other best friend, my mother, is not someone I can turn to right now.
The one time I really need you, I can't find you anywhere.

The one thing I wish for absolutely every single day is that she was like she used to be, and that my mother and I wouldn't have to go through this in the first place.
I miss her every day.
The worst part is, she's not even gone yet.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of how she used to be.
It makes me question whether or not we are doing the right thing.
And then she turns into the person I don't recognize again.
One with the same face, hands, smile and eyes, but one with an alien personality.
I never saw her be angry, frustrated, cry, shake, refuse, be mannerless, until this disease stole everything from her.
I've been holding this in for so long and I've been trying so hard to be strong for mom and for her.
But I know the second we leave her, the second she's there, the way she acts is going to break my heart.
And once that is done, I won't know what to do.
My worst fear is that once she's there, she's going to lose everything she has left.
There won't be those infrequent (but beautiful) glimpses of how she used to be.
And what will remain is the shell of a person I used to know.

Best friend, I need you more than ever.
Please don't give up on me right now.