versace

Donatella Versace.
I fucking love this bitch and her collagen.

Apparently she is going to team up with GaGa.
Go blond, or go home.

there's no "i" in team.

Well, I can't regret, can't you just forget it? I started something I couldn't finish.
And if we go down, we go down together.
Best friends means, well, best friends means.
And I've got a twenty-dollar bill that says you're up late starting fist fights versus fences in your backyard.
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honour, soaking in sympathy, from friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me.

Broken down in bars and bathrooms.
All I did was what I had to.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's just what anyone would do.
Take the time to talk about it.
Think a lot and live without it.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's something unforgivable.

Well, I can't regret, can't you just forget it? I started something I couldn't finish.
If we go down, we go down together.
Best friends means, well, best friends means.
You never knew, well I never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts I learned from you, it's true.
I've never done it with the style and grace you have.
But I've made long-term plans, based on these mistakes.

Broken down in bars and bathrooms.
All I did was what I had to.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's just what anyone would do.
Take the time to talk about it.
Think a lot and live without it.
Don't believe me when I tell you,
It's something unforgivable.

Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
There's nothing worse.
(That's right, he said, that's right he said it.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.)
I swear, you have no idea.
(I hope there's ice on all the roads.)
The jealousy that became me thinking
(And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt.
That's right, he said.
And again when your head goes through the windshield.)
That you always had it way too easy.

Best friends I pulled the trigger.
Best friends means you get what you deserve.

thankful

What I am thankful for (just to remind me, because I need it):
My family - for staying together, for being beautiful.
My friends - for being there for me, and for putting up with me.
Music - for Andrew McMahon, AFI, and Brand New.
Art - for making the world beautiful, for teaching lessons, and for being my passion.
School - for being lucky enough to attend it and gain an education.
Two homes - for both being my "safe place".
Opportunity - for living in a country that allows all the opportunity in the world.
Makeup - for making me feel beautiful even when my skin sucks.
My bed - for cuddles, for keeping me warm, and for lulling me to sleep when I think I need it most.

And last but not least...
Love - for loving, for being loved, for the opportunity and capability to love, for that "special someone", for friends, for family, for swimming for brighter days, for music, for art, for the beautiful and for the ugly, for understanding, for accepting, for truth, for you......and just...love.

Who is your heart beating for?

hello

You told me that you were ready to jump in.
I'm sorry I screwed that up, and for something so stupid.
I hope one day you'll be ready to jump in again.

Hilarity.

Apparently when drunk, I can translate Brazilian Portuguese to English.

This was you and I.

building homes

I can't wait to live on my own. To have my own apartment in a big city where I can get lost and be alone but not be lonely at the same time. That's all I can think of right now. Just saving money, getting a small, cosy apartment with a cute kitchen, just big enough for me, and living by myself. I'm done with sharing, I'm done with coming home every weekend and having to do chores here, then going back to school and having to clean everything there because no one else does. I'm done with sharing a bathroom and being woken up at six in the morning by the shower and hair dryer.
I want my own space. My own apartment that I can put as much or as little money into as I want and make it home.
I want a home of my own.

little people

It makes me sad to drive around my old neighbourhood late at night listening to Barcelona and wondering why everything changed so much.
It makes me sad to realize that I really don't have a best friend anymore.
That she'd rather not spend time with me, that maybe all the failed attempts at trying to talk to her weren't just because of "miscommunication" but because she really doesn't care anymore to try to understand.
It would be so much easier if scraped knees and coming home for dinner on time were all we had to worry about, because being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.
The thing that makes me most happy is knowing I have someone, even if he is far away most of the time, who is there for me.
Thank you for the chats, and thank you for the coffee.

valentine's day

It's Valentine's Day. I can't say I had a bad day. I went to Toronto with my brother, bought $50 worth of makeup (Benefit BadGal mascara, MakeUpForEver eyeliner) and a new American Apparel hoodie. Then the brother and I went to town for dinner and the waiter gave me a flower. Then I napped and watched Zombieland. A pretty alright day, don't you think? I even had a Valentine (Anto)...even though he wasn't around to celebrate it.
The bad part? Walking the streets of Toronto, hoping to God that I wouldn't run into you. Once again, as always, I stared down your street as we passed by from the highway. I can see your house from there, you know? That sounds creepy. But I mean it. I can't not look because I just miss you so much.
Part of me was hoping I'd see you, but once I started thinking about it, I decided it was better not to see you at all. What if I saw you with another girl? What if I saw you by yourself and then I wondered if you were going to meet someone? I saw the Starbucks we always met at. I walked that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk by myself in downtown Toronto just so I could see you and pay for your coffee.
Is it terrible that I wish I could have done that shitty, freezing twenty-five minute walk a few hundred more times? I wouldn't have cared about getting to the train station, the $18 train ticket and hour train ride, the ten minute walk to streetcar stop, and the thirty minute ride to your house a few more times. I wouldn't mind wasting a total of four hours a day and copious amounts of money on travel just to see you, just to spend time with you, just to lay in your arms and kiss you and laugh with you. What would I give for you to pick me up and carry me around your room again? What would I give for you to dress me up in your old clothes and take me to the store like that to buy cigarettes? What would I give for you to look at my face like you would never, ever see it again. I'd give everything. I would give up everything.
And it makes me angry that I'm so strung along by you and by this. It makes me angry that I can't let you go and that I can't go a single day without thinking of you. The second I smell Bellmonts, the second I see the colour blue (your eyes, and what you look best in), the second I see skinny jeans (Cheap Mondays), beanies (black), jean jackets (layers), dress shoes (that you got from your dad after he passed away), and Nikon cameras, I just about fall apart at the thought of you.
I feel like you're suffocating me.
The worst thing is, I don't want that feeling to stop.
What I really want is for you to come back into my life, to be in love with me as much as I'm in love with you, to get your life together, to graduate and move in with you, to have my family and friends like and accept you and have the same from your family and friends. You were the first person I could see myself spending my life with, and unfortunately, you're the only person I could see myself spending my life with. I'm so afraid for you to know that but so much of me just wants to tell you.
It's not that I can't live without you. It's not that I can't go on and be happy and live my life. Because that's what I've been doing for a full year. It's just......I don't want to have to go on without you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

making songs personal

Momma, you're a brave girl, and I know it's only just started.
But I'm gonna be there at six with some flowers on sticks that were clipped just to make the weak strong.
And Momma, it's a strange world and girls can get so broken hearted.
But if it were me and the universe, I'd get the worst of this gong.

And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But Momma, don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.
We're really not there.

Momma, you're a brave girl.
Courage is something I'll need now.
Cause it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away, but we all fade sometimes.
I believe that Momma it's a strange world as I watch our tables get turned round.
But you've got the strength that I've lost.
Who'd of thought you'd be carrying me?

And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But Momma, don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.

It's not the end of the world.
It's not the end of the world.
It's not the end of the world, cause the cops wouldn't break up this party.


And Momma,
Momma, I'm sorry that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing.
But lately, I don't believe that it isn't there.
Oh and Momma,
Momma, be happy.
This world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?
Not really here, I'm really not there.
I said we're really not here, and really not there.
We're really not there.

Momma, you're a brave girl, and I know it's only just started...

there, there mom

Dear Mom,
I know what you are dealing with. I see it, I hear it. I feel it. I feel everything you feel because you are not only my mother, you are also my best friend. You have always been a brave girl. You have always been a strong girl. Right now, I know you're falling apart. But I need to you to know that the world is a beautiful place. You will see it once the fog clears. And when you can't hang on anymore, when you can't keep it together, I will be there holding on for you. I will be your strength when yours runs out. I will be your love, your compassion, your raft. I would be lying if I said it was easy, but Mom, one of the things you told me is that life isn't easy. You just have to keep pushing through. You have to keep swimming. One day, you are going to look up from your feet and realize that the sun is there to light up your life.
This is us. This is going to be okay one day. Just don't lose sight of what matters the most. Don't forget you are doing the right thing. And never forget that I am here for you. Never forget that I love you. You just need to keep your head above. Swim.
Love always, all ways,
Me

mcqueen, and a song that is stuck in my head

RIP Mister Alexander McQueen. You, your creations, and your inspirations will be greatly missed all over the world.

In other news, reading week starts today for me, as I have no class tomorrow.
Also, this song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of days.

The Weepies - Nobody Knows Me At All

When I was a child, everybody smiled. Nobody knows me at all.
Very late at night, and in the morning light. Nobody knows me at all.
Now I've got lots of friends, yes, but then again, nobody knows me at all.
Kids and a wife, it's a beautiful life. Nobody knows me at all.
And oh, when the lights are low.
Oh, with someone I don't know, oh.
I don't give a damn, I'm happy as a clam. Nobody knows me at all.
Ah, what can you do? There's nobody like you. Nobody knows me at all.
I know how you feel, no secrets to reveal. Nobody knows me at all.
Very late at night, and in the morning light. Nobody know me at all.
Nobody knows me, nobody knows me. Nobody knows me at all.

things i write and find a long time later

If I could go back and do it all again, I'd make sure that I didn't fall in love with you.

juice

Next to coffee, I like grape juice. My roommate bought me grape juice boxes. I haven't had one in years and years.

I haven't heard from you in two days.

The other you, I haven't heard from in eight months.

Both of these realizations break my heart.

But juice boxes fix it a little bit.

hope

There is always hope, even if there is only hope.

beauty

This is the most beautiful thing I've seen all day.

little monsters

Love you GaGa.

need

When I first saw this, I thought it was true. But right now, I don't feel it.

I can't believe how much I've been thinking about you. In a week, it will have been a year.
An entire year.
And I was so ready to let go so long ago. I was so happy to forget and stop feeling this way.
But I can't.
You're always there. You're always around.
It sucks to admit that I need you in my life; I want you in my life.
You are the only person I have loved this much. Ever. It has never been this intense. It has never lasted this long. It has never been like this. Never. I need you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Fuck. This hurts. This sucks, so much.
I always think of you. You're always on my mind. I'm always trying to figure out if you're with someone else or if you're waiting for me or what you even fucking think of me. Do you think of me at all?
This just hurts. I want it to stop. I haven't felt this desperate in so long and I need you. I fucking need you.
Why can't I just talk to you? Because I'm stubborn? But even if you did feel the same way about me it could never work because everyone else in my life fucking hates you because of what you did to me.
But I need you. I need you.
Fuck.

valentino

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god these are so beautiful.

boys like girls

You can't spend your whole life holding on.

dancing in libraries

Here I am, sitting in a corral in the library at my university, listening to some Prince Caspian and dancing slightly in my seat.
Today I am feeling good.
Yes, good.
Can you believe it? I have nothing to complain about, other than the fact that my back is freaking out due to midterm stress. But the past two days have been very productive and great for me. I can't believe I'm even taking the time right now to blog. That's how busy and productive I've been. Zero breaks. It feels great but I know I can't keep pushing myself because I will eventually burn out. I'm just hoping that I don't burn out until after my two midterms on Monday.
Yesterday, the day started off hectic. My alarm decided not to go off. Luckily, the great MC texted me which woke me up with ten minutes to spare before I had to leave to catch my bus. I quickly got dressed, slapped on some mascara, grabbed my purse and coat, and was out the door like lightning! Me? Ready in ten minutes?! Are. You. Serious.
Anyway, it was a great class that we sat through which was also when I went through the Elie Saab couture line. After class, MC and I went to the archives to complete a project and the absolute sweetest girl was working there and helped us out. She was great and I wanted to take her home with me and feed her Cheerios (because feeding others Cheerios is something I like to do). After that, I went home and cleaned the entire house, typed up my weekly journal for a class, and completed the project that I had to visit the archives for. I even took the time to shower, and -gasp- shave my legs. Never have I ever been that happy to shave my legs. Remind me to never neglect my outward appearance for three and a half weeks ever again. I also did my eyebrows. Win.
I also phoned my potential place of work and was told I've been chosen for the next step of the hiring process. I have to go in on the 15th for job simulation and an application process. This job will allow me to work shifts for four months and collect a generous sum of money which will pay for next years tuition, rent, utilities, and groceries and hopefully will still allow me to have spending money throughout the year. Needless to say, I am going to bust my ass for this job. There is no way I am not going to get it. There is simply no way in hell I am not getting this job.
Anyway, today I got up early (with no help from my alarm clock, ONCE AGAIN), and met MC on campus, grabbed a nice breakfast of Tim Hortons bagel and coffee, and then moseyed on over to the library to do some studying for one of our midterms. After that, we went to find some more images for our project, I got my change of programs letter signed, and then went to three hours of class which were absolutely glorious. I am not kidding. I love my semester of all art history classes. I absolutely love it.
After that, I came back to the library where I now reside and worked on my research for my midterm for another hour and a half. Now I am taking a half hour break before I finish up my photo project. Also, I'm texting a cute boy. How much better could these days get? I am stoked. Please don't let this feeling end.
I hope you are all being as productive as I am, because this feels absolutely great. I'm so excited that I'm this stoked on life right now and it's all because I am no longer sick and dragged down by Days Of Birth.

Moreover, I enjoy being MIA with regard to the internet and my phone like I was yesterday.
It's such a good feeling to not rely on anything or anyone but myself.
Well, it's time to do my photo project quickly and then scurry on home to make myself something to eat. I hope you're all having a lovely day.

Also, I am a Little Monster. (Love you GaGa).

sad, in its purest form

It seems like every time I start to forget you, I remember you all over again.
I keep seeing your face, the look you gave me the last time I saw you.
I was shivering, you held my eyes with yours, and I thought I saw something.
Guilt. Remorse. Lust.
I saw "I'm sorry" and "You got what you deserved" all in the same glance.
I know my eyes looked hard.
Masking my emotions is what I'm good at.
Behind that, though, I was simply sad.
Nothing else.
Just a small, simple emotion.
The opposite of happy.
A word we learn before we even attend school.
Sad.
Just sad.
In its purest form; sad.

loveology

Are you ready to answer these questions honestly even if it starts to get hard?
Nothing is hard. Hard is for the weak.

How old is the last person you kissed on the lips?
Twenty-six.

Who was the last person to make you cry?
My throwing up.

What color shirt were you wearing when you had your last kiss?
I really want to say black... but I think I'm lying because I was wearing a black cardigan. So it would have been a different colour. OH! White tank, black fancy tank on top.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
I either want to work with art (gallery?), stomp the runway (haha), or be a chef.

What are you currently listening to?
The Reason - Papercuts & Exit Wounds.

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
I wish. I really do. Two people, actually. I would just hold on and I wouldn't let go again.

Who was the last person you had a face to face conversation with?
Rebecca and Alex.

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
Trying to sleep and failing miserably because my sheets didn't smell like home (or you).

What's in your wallet?
Money, though very little. Credit card, ID, important phone numbers, bank card, online banking paper thing... That's all I can think of right now.

What's under your bed?
Nothing. Carpet.

Do you sleep with anything?
A bunch of stuffed animals, but mostly just my teddy and blanket.

filthy minded people...
Are hilarious.

Has someone ever called you handsome?
I don't know.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes. With my whole heart.

What are you drinking?
Nothing at the moment.

Love really is a beautiful thing, huh?
It can be. When it's real.

Did anything dramatic go down yesterday?
Not overly. I was still sick though.

Are you afraid to stay home all alone?
No. I'm home alone right now. I spent a week alone. It's not a big deal, hah.

Does the person you like, like you back?
Yeah, I think so.

Have you ever walked away from someone who was yelling at you?
Yeah. It's not worth it to me.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them?
For a couple days, then I fix it. I just need time to calm down.

Did you kiss or hug anyone in the last 48 hours?
MC today!

When you say you don't care do you mean it?
Usually. I don't use that term lightly.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Unfortunately not. I am meeting the lovely MC for some study time, then some scavenger hunting time, then some class time!

Do you like to take walks?
I love summer walks. I was actually discussing this with Brendan earlier.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
Always. I'll always remember.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
No, at my front door.

Have you ever cried cause you were so mad?
I can count the times I've been truly mad on one hand and all that happens is I swear a lot and I shake. I cry when I get frustrated or annoyed.

What is on your wrists right now?
Skin.

Did you sleep alone last night?
I slept with my teddy.

Have you ever felt lonely?
Of course.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
Haha.. I slept in so.. eight?

Reason for the last tear shed?
I was throwing up, and I hate throwing up. And I was frustrated that I was so sick.

Have you ever felt like someone wanted to forget of your existence?
Probably. Haha. Suckers.

What's your favorite color?
Black.

What color is your shirt?
Black.

What do you hear?
Regina Spektor.

Is there anyone home?
Nope. Everyone's at night class.

Last person of the opposite sex you gave a hug to?
Probably Phil, the love of my life.

Are you sitting or standing?
Sitting.

What would you do if you had no friends?
I would be very, very lonely and upset all the time.

Are you keeping a secret from anyone?
No, not really. Pretty much if you ask me straight out I will give you a straight answer.

Do you crack your knuckles a lot?
Yes. A LOT, a lot.

Do you have clothes that are not yours?
I don't think so.

What is your favorite animal?
Kitties and ponies and unicorns.

Did you dance today?
I paced a lot. And cleaned. Does that count?

What's something you can't wait for?
Sleep, actually. I'm pretty tired.

Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
Yes.

Honestly, if you wanted to get laid right now, could you?
Yeah, I could booty call.

Have you kissed someone with braces?
Yeah.

Do you sing in the car?
Yes, always.

When is the last time you had pizza?
I can't remember.. I don't really eat it.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I really hope so.

Were you single on your last birthday?
Yes.

Are you wearing a sports shirt?
No?

Have you ever crawled through a window?
Many a time.

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
On usually. It's easier on my eyes.

Are you short?
No.

Who was the last person you kissed?
Anto.

What would your last name be if you were married to the last person you texted?
Murphy, haha.

Last picture comment was from?
Err.. I'm not sure, but Jen "liked" my picture.

How was your day overall?
It was good, actually. I got a lot done. And I have a job interview!

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
I don't know.. but I kind of hope so.

Who was the last person that you said "i love you" to?
My mom.

Have you told anyone that you missed them lately?
Yes. I tell him every day.

Have you ever liked someone that you didn't expect to?
Yes ma'am.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?
I don't think anyone at this point. Ask me in another week and I'll know exactly who I liked.

Whats going on with you and the person you last kissed?
We have a long distance relationship, without the relationship.
Not actually. We're interested in each other but I'm just hanging out and seeing where it goes. shrug.

Are you anyone's first love?
First real love, yes.

Did anything brighten up your day today?
Cleaning the house. Seriously. I'm such a loser. Oh, and Julia Child.

How are you feeling at this exact moment?
Just sleepy, and lonely.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
Yes! It crosses my mind a lot but I don't really dwell on it. I'm just curious.

Do you think you're a good friend?
I try my best to be.

Within the next 5 months, what are you looking forward to MOST?
Finishing second year. Getting a good job and working all summer. My friends coming home so I can see them. I miss them most.

Do you want to cut your hair?
Yes! So badly.

Would you rather have roommates or live alone?
I have roommates and I love them :) I think when I get older I would like to live alone though.

Do you have any scars?
A few.

Will you be in a relationship next month?
No. I can say that with confidence.

Do you remember who you liked three months ago?
I do.

elie saab

As few of you know, I like fashion. A lot. As in, quite a lot. One of my very favourite designers is Elie Saab. No, it's not a woman. It is a man. And he is fabulous. So when I had the opportunity to look through his Spring/Summer 2010 collection instead of paying attention in my Modern Architecture class, I took it.
First of all what caught my attention was the colours. Pastel. Everywhere. Lots of nude and beige as well. These colours are wholeheartedly achieved through the use of layering of thin chiffon-like fabric so the colours are more intense in certain spots than others. There is also a lot of beading going on -- not sure what I feel about that, but it looked gorgeous on Saab's down-to-the-floor gowns.
High slits, one-shouldered dresses, and sweetheart necklines are very in. Either arms or legs are shown, rarely both at the same time. My favourite was a more modern spin on a 60's-looking dress, shortened.
Behold.
Elie Saab.