no bum syndrome

So there I am, sitting in class on a plastic chair with absolutely no give. Ten minutes go by. I shift uncomfortably. Half an hour. I'm sitting on my feet. An hour and seven minutes. My legs are crossed. I reach the hour and a half mark and finally we are permitted to take a quick break. Unfortunately, by this time, every single nerve in my bum has gone to sleep and the bones hurt. I'm sure they're terribly bruised. And I still have another hour and a half of class to go.
Why, God? Why did you curse me with no bum?
Yes, I am one of the few unfortunate souls who suffers from No Bum Syndrome. I have a hard time sitting on hard surfaces for long periods of time and I have an even harder time finding That Perfect Pair of Jeans. You know the ones I'm talking about. The pair that fits perfectly everywhere -- calves, knees, thighs, hips, and yes, bum.
Let's deal with the sitting issue first. I find that being flexible helps me contort into strange positions where I take most of my body weight off my bum and redistribute it onto my thighs, calves, ankles, or feet. Step number one: do a lot of yoga to get more flexible. The only downside to this is your entire lower body eventually falls asleep and you sit there, awkwardly shaking your legs out and stamping your feet on the ground, your face in a grimace of pain as the pins and needles seep out of your capillaries and back into the tomato-shaped pin cushion from whence they came. Short of bringing a pillow everywhere you go to sit on (and risking social suicide when you tell people the truth about why you are carrying a pillow around), there really is not much else I have found that works. I am sorry, fellow Bumless Children, you will spend the rest of your days being unable to ride a bike and sit still in class without moving for more than forty-six seconds.
The issue of finding That Perfect Pair of Jeans has a much higher possibility of being resolved. These days, there are so many different styles, types, materials, and brands of jeans to choose from. The trick is to TRY EVERYTHING ON. If they bunch in the crotch, don't buy them: you'll never wear them outside the store. If they pinch behind your knees, don't buy them: this hinders your flexibility and thus takes away from my previous paragraph about contorting yourself in such a way that you are not sitting directly on your bum. Pinchy knees are a no-no, no matter how f-ing cute the jeans seem to be. The best material I have found is 98% cotton and 2% spandex. These fit like a glove. You can also wash the shit out of them and they will hold up! An important thing to remember on your hunt for That Perfect Pair of Jeans if you suffer from No Bum Syndrome is to not buy jeans (or any pants for that matter) with an accentuated rear. Slim-fit is your best chance. Or, if you're like me and can squeeze into a size smaller than you really are, do it. Another trick is to either buy jeans with a very plain bum (as not to draw attention to your Lack Of Bum), or to buy highly embellished back-pocket jeans (you know the kind, with the zippers and the extra material on the pockets) which help your little bum look a little bigger.
For the record, having no bum does have its upside.
Look at it this way: by the time you're body parts begin to sag, you'll have the tight ass of a 20 year old.
Embrace No Bum Syndrome. It is a blessing in disguise.